I’ve been stewing over the perfect thing to write about here – which has turned into days and days of putting off posting anything at all. Then I remembered, I literally made this public as a way to keep myself accountable. You know, “just show up”? – Or whatever dumb thing I said.
Anyway, here I am.
We can stumble through this together.
I am uncharacteristically unemployed right now – and that’s got me feeling weird – annnnnd I got lots of free time to think about just how weird.
Don’t get me wrong – the break is needed and appreciated. The last several years have been something of a treadmill of trials, and to have this kind of time in my days, is a gift I don’t take for granted. While I could (and I have) wax on and on poetically about how happy I am, this has been a humbling reminder that no matter how right my external world may feel – there is no substitute or shortcut to feeling right with myself. Yanno. The inside stuff. The stuff that makes you itchy.
Stuff like doubts, and insecurities, and “Why are you even writing this blog, Meredith?” or, my favorite little hex on productivity – “Why are you writing anything? I mean, it’s not the worst… but like, it’s not not the worst?”
BUT beyond these horrific and relentless internal voices – it’s also the gnawing, nagging feeling that I want to make this time mean something, dammit.
It has officially been a month and some change that I’ve been in BC – and that astounds me for both how short and long it feels. In some ways, it feels equal parts that I’ve always been here, and also that I never left. But I know that’s not the case, because the world was entirely different the last time I lived here – and for that matter, so was I. That’s why it shocked me when, suddenly – I realized I kept finding little ole’ bits of the familiar. Nuggets. Fractals. All over the ground. Like, everywhere, in almost every place I looked. Old parts of me. Maybe some old wishes? Old hopes and dreams? Bits of wonder and whimsy I had tucked away for later? Like time traveling to meet my past self and finding a map of how to get there. Except it wasn’t a map, it was a tangled mess.
I haven’t known what to do with any of it.
I feel exceedingly grateful to have this kind of unencumbered time and mental space to let creativity flow, but I can’t help but to admit to some occasional overwhelm. I have always dreamed of this – I’ve always imagined what kind of work and words I’d be capable of producing with this kind of freedom. But having it, means I also feel the weight of having it – and the awful fear of falling short makes me almost not want to do anything. Like this weird, analysis-is-paralysis, infectious call to perfectionism that I can’t shake.
Instead of letting it all just be what it actually is… fun.
In fact, creating is the most fun I can think of. It’s just playing make believe. Literally, it’s the very first thing I ever realized I truly loved to do – when I was just a little kid, playing with my toys, having the time of my life.
But, somewhere along the way, I let it become something I was capable of failing at – instead of letting it be something I simply just adored. To let myself play, and craft, and worldbuild, and plot, and experiment, and iterate upon – again and again and again. To write for an audience of just myself – much in the same way I’m learning to just exist for just an audience of myself.
We’ve managed to squeeze a lot of life into these last several weeks, and I’ve been presented over and over again with examples of exactly the kind of creative injections and reminders I’ve needed to feel inspired again. Moments of recognition as new/old parts of my brain light up and come back online for the first time in who knows how long. And now, I’m back to feeling itchy for my laptop whenever it’s not around. And the Notes app on my phone is almost never not recently opened or closed. It’s constant again. The buzz.
I’m not sure what I’m doing yet, but the ideas I have feel like when you stumble onto a sight you can’t take your eyes off of. They make me giddy, they take my breath away – and they give me that feeling when you’re so excited about a moment that you’re not even there anymore – you’re too busy thinking about how you’ll never forget it before it’s even passed. So, I’m just gonna try stay here, for as long as I can. In the warm glow of whatever this feeling is. Because it feels like maybe… I’m onto something.
“Amaze!”
“Amaze!”
“Amaze!”
MV
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